I am empty. Sadness does not even begin to describe the depth–
Wait. No. That’s not right.
To Whom it may…
If you are reading this note, then you still have time.
Yes! That’s great!
You still have time to take control, to seize the day and turn out (burn out? no.) — extinguish your light. We had no hand in the creation of this world. Why should we have to labor in and suffer from the mistakes of our forefathers? Why should we bear the brunt of climate change when it was exacerbated by our parents and grandparents?
There is nothing good coming to us. Only more shortages of food and water, epidemics and propaganda about how there are no epidemics. We must become our own epidemic to show those who hold rank that we still have a voice in this ever smaller and uglier world.
My friends, like many who have inspired me, I am not depressed. I am furious. I am so mad at everything in the living world that I don’t know where to start. I can’t afford college. The system is rigged against us to keep us subjugated and stupid. Why do we spend our lives online? We post to our profiles and scroll through others to see how we stack up. We obsess over whether or not we fit in, whether our belongings express us properly to the world. We play Massive Multiplayer games for days on end without interacting with any real fleshers.
We don’t do anything to improve our lives, so what are they worth?
I know this isn’t original. I know you already have so many funerals to attend that you are probably having trouble planning your own! But, please friends, you won’t want to miss mine! Like Shannon’s last month, my funeral will have multiple selfie stations where you can take photos of yourself with me from some of my fondest memories — When I hiked the Grand Canyon Dump, When I visited the Red Sea of California, When I climbed the last Redwood!
I’ve arranged for DJ Deadfinger and DJ Wax Museum to rock for you all night after I am put to my eternal rest (If they’re still around, yo!). There will be a cash bar and a crazy light show, and if you stay until sunrise you’re in for a special surprise!
As you celebrate your first day without me, you will start the day with fresh bagels from Annette’s Bagels on Freemont. But that’s not all! There will also be T-shirts with some AWESOME graphics on them of me dancing with God! BUT THAT’S NOT ALL!
You know my mommy has dough, too, right? Well, as long as she doesn’t want me to haunt her for her remaining years, she will have FIVE fresh graves dug alongside mine. At the breakfast buffet, there will be five cyanide capsules for the first five of you who want to join me in the big sleep! (I’m looking at you Martyne! Stop talking about it and just do it before Grenadane gets the jump on you! You know she wants to show YOU up!)
I love you guys. This is gonna be great. We all know the afterlife is gonna be so fire! No more hunger, no more sunburns, no more measles!
And BIG Thanks to all those who went before. Big up to the lawmakers down on Capitol Hump who finally legalized suicide so those of us who actually give a damn can be PROACTIVE! SUCKERS! I’m outie 5000!
But I’m done talking, folks. I’m done. And wait till you see my pimp headstone! It’s gonna be LIT!
Edgare Alvin Powder
(AUTHOR’S NOTE :: I am not suicidal. This is a fictional account depicting a letter written by a misled teen in a possible future where suicide is made legal to deal with the overpopulation problem. It’s not only legal… it’s fashionable… scary, right?)